By Elion Miradove, Poet-Sage, Reluctant Diplomat, Once Mistaken for a Decorative Urn
Foreword:
If you are reading this, you are either:
Preparing for contact with an Orcish clan,
Already in contact and regretting your life choices,
Me. Rereading my own work because it’s that good
Fear not, dear reader. The Orcs are not monsters—they are people. Extremely large, heavily armed, and prone to solving disputes with creative decapitation... but people all the same. And like all people, they’re as varied as they are loud.
Burz’kal – The Volcano’s Chosen
Known for: Lava-scarred warriors, ash-gray skin, and the unnerving habit of calling magma "a warm bath."
Mood: Rumbles like thunder. Hits like it too.
Advice: If you must duel one, write your will first—preferably in verse. These warriors aren't cruel, but they don’t believe in half-measures. They're the line where fire meets discipline. Proud, blunt, and burningly devout to Gruumsh. I wouldn’t arm-wrestle one unless the prize is a continent.
Mountain Clans – Gravel for Breakfast, Stones for Supper
Known for: Massive builds, strategic minds, and a passion for terrain that's 87% vertical.
Mood: A cliff that lectures you.
Advice: Speak plainly. Flattery is wasted. These Orcs respect stone—silent, enduring, and unmovable. So if you're chatty like me, you might find their conversational tempo... tectonic.
Swamp Clans – Mud, Mosquitos, and Murder
Known for: Ambush tactics, grim humor, and the unique scent of victory (and mildew).
Mood: Slippery.
Advice: Never assume they're alone. If you see one, odds are three others are currently counting your ribs. They speak little, observe much, and have more patience than you’ll survive. Compliment their traps. Then back away slowly.
Plains Clans – Warg-Riding Nomads with Too Much Wind in Their Hair
Known for: Cavalry mastery, tattooed faces, and a deep spiritual bond with their mounts.
Mood: Majestic... with a touch of galloping chaos.
Advice: If one offers you a ride, say yes—then hold on to your dignity (or whatever’s left of your lunch). They're swift, proud, and talk in poetic riddles when the wind is right. Excellent storytellers. Terrible at staying still.
Jungle Clans – Nature’s Favorite Brawlers
Known for: Painted skin, spiritual depth, and terrifyingly silent movement.
Mood: Mysterious, like a temple whispering "Don’t touch that."
Advice: Don’t mistake their stillness for peace. They’re listening. Always. Talk with purpose and mean it. And if you're lucky enough to be invited to a feast—eat what they give you, even if it blinks.
Desert Clans – Sand, Scarves, and Searing Stares
Known for: Endurance, stubborn pride, and blades that catch the sun like judgment.
Mood: Dry. In every sense.
Advice: Respect the heat, and speak as the sand does: rarely, but with weight. These Orcs will outwalk your legs, outthink your politics, and outlast your expectations. Never ask them where the water is—they’ll show you, just not before you’ve earned it.
Final Notes from the Bard’s Saddlebag
On Gruumsh: Mention him with care. Orcs aren’t casual about their god. He’s a fire in the chest, not a name to toss around for flair.
On Hospitality: If an Orc offers you food, or worse, training—accept. You may not survive, but it’s the polite thing to do.
On Jokes: They do have a sense of humor. It just comes with tusks.
On Fighting: If an Orc offers you a duel and says “friendly,” assume you’ll need a new shirt, and possibly a ribcage.
Conclusion: Orcs are not savages. They’re just not Elves. They do not whisper in glades or compose in tree-shade—they howl, they burn, and they rise. But in their fire, there is wisdom. In their scars, stories. And in their loyalty… something to learn from.
So go forth, dear reader. May your blade stay sheathed, and your limbs remain attached.
Yours in curiosity and occasional caution,
Elion Miradove
Poet-Sage of the Harmonious Muse,
Friend to Wargs (but not snacks),
Collector of Cautionary Tales